"A total absence of self-doubt is the first sign of insanity."

If the above is true then I suppose that is the silver lining to both yesterday and today.

Inevitably the first vestiges of excitement would disappear and the self-doubt and self-questioning would creep in. Yesterday morning I had a job interview for a hostess position at a restaurant positively reeking of exclusivity. I knew from the moment I walked into the company's floor that I was not going to get the job. Owing to the fact that my funds are depleted until Sunday (I have food in the cupboards still, thankfully), I walked forty blocks to the interview. By the time I got there, I was grumpy, my nose was crimson (being in frigid NY has made it apparent that my nose has an almost obscene tendency toward redness when exposed to very low temps) and I had to surreptitiously switch out my Uggs for my three inch pumps before I walked into the lobby area. Moreover, I did not have a hard copy of my resume (which I knew would be a huge, rookie mistake) and of course she ended up asking for a copy.

Thus, it's the first day in New York when I do not have any prospects. No interviews, nothing. I hung out in Brooklyn last night with Kevin which was fun. I feel as if I am always relying on something to look forward to or hope for in order to evade the grasps of melancholy and self doubt from the events of the past few months. In the absence of an opportunity, I begin to doubt everything: the move to New York, my past actions, my abilities, my financial situation, absolutely everything. I tried to combat such feelings by applying for a lot of jobs today (both full-time and part-time) so hopefully something will stick. If I don't have a call or e-mail tomorrow about an interview I don't know what I'll do. The foreignness of the city's atmosphere is starting to compound with my other apprehensions. I feel very lonely and uncertain. I am scared and sad. It's truly disheartening and I am trying to convince myself that these feelings are only temporary. More to the point, they are natural. I am alone and I will have to learn to adjust to that idea because it may be for a long time.

Tonight I may hang out with Michalea since I just got a voicemail from her. It's nice just to hear her voice! I also got a card in the mail today from Ann (as decorated by precious, little Caroline!) which was really nice to receive. I like to think that such little moments of my days may be small but can help me push through.

"I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out" -Larry David

Larry David rules and I am beginning to think that barring some sort of divine intervention that is going to be my future...

Today I had two interviews. The first, for a hostess position in a Midtown restaurant, went well. It was short, but I felt that I established decent rapport with the manager who I interviewed with and I was able to convey that I am a friendly person with a good background in hostessing. HOWEVER, I haven't heard back from her yet (...it's 7 pm...) so that makes me a bit nervous. She said that she may call me before today's end so who knows. In any case, my adventures previous to the interview reminded me of the classically lame movie where the small town girl makes the move to the big city and encounters way more than she anticipated. I entered the Subway at the wrong entrance and started going downtown instead of uptown, blah blah blah. Thankfully I had tacked on an extra twenty minutes to my travel time so I made it to the interview mere moments before I was supposed to be there.

After eating lunch at my apartment, I headed to my second interview for the Assistant to the Executive Director position at the nonprofit I mentioned. I maneuvered the subway successfully and was feeling good about my interview outfit (just purchased heels from Buffalo Exchange and nice skirt suit as inherited from the lady I babysat for in DC). Of course, this was fleeting; right before I turned onto Wall Street a man rushed up to me to say that he loved my pumps but I had chocolate on my butt. AWESOME. Thankfully, it was only on my coat and basically scrapped off after a few brushes of the hand. I was the first one to arrive for the group interview (forty minutes early? probably overdid it on that one...)

The group interview experience was odd. We watched a video on the organization (really inspiring, I recognize that sounds cliche) and then got into small groups. We were prompted to discuss certain aspects of our lives with three other interviewees while the EDirector and other staff observed. Nerve wracking. I think I did well, but who knows. We found out that the twelve of us were chosen out of 150 applicants so at least that is nice to know. They are going to pick certain candidates for individual interviews. Who knows what will happen! It would be a great fit but I am not going to go crazy and get my hopes up about it.

I have another interview tomorrow morning for a hostess position. After that...who knows? I am going to send out some more resumes this evening. I just want something, ANYTHING, to stick.

"The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for." -OW

I will remember where I am right now, in this moment, always. To my right, just past the fire escape outside my apartment window, I see the staggered grandeur of New York's skyline. There is a gentle fire housed in our modest fireplace and this is it. Every moment of my past which contained that hazy notion of nostalgia for a place I did not yet know finds its true home here, right now.

New York is it for me. It is the place where I will finally begin. I will realise my true self, I will no longer second-guess my exuberance about literature that was so often met with puzzled or disinterested faces in all of the years leading up to this point. For so long I have been distracted. I have been distracted from my true self, lost in the pursuit of vulgar endeavors. Everything before now, besides small blips and fleeting moments, was pure distraction. I can be here.

Tomorrow I have two interviews: one is for a hostess position (supplementary income!) and the other is my first, professional, full-time job interview. It is a group interview for the Assistant to the Executive position at Posse, a nonprofit that places public, high school students in partner colleges. It would be an excellent fit. I have been studying their website and have my outfit together. I always seem to maintain a certain composure during job interviews and I hope tomorrow is no exception. It will be interesting to experience the group interview, though.

The past week was a wonderful blur. Maddie and I drove to the city on Monday afternoon. That night, we had celebratory drinks at a neighborhood bar and it was an amazing way to kickoff my new life in New York. The next few days consisted of pizza, coffee stops, failed attempts to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree, etc. One night we were able to have a classic, night-at-home-with-cocktails bonding session with my roommate, Taylor. Both Taylor and my other roommate, Calla, are great. It's as if all expectations of New York have been fully realised in every way.

I would be lying if I did not say that I have a sense of apprehension underlying all of these new feelings. I really need to get a job as soon as possible and my professor from last semester has yet to post our grades. I am trying to suppress any negative thoughts and just relish in this beautiful city. I hope this feeling never wanes. This place captures all of the delightful enigmas of my past and brings them to the here and now.