"A total absence of self-doubt is the first sign of insanity."

If the above is true then I suppose that is the silver lining to both yesterday and today.

Inevitably the first vestiges of excitement would disappear and the self-doubt and self-questioning would creep in. Yesterday morning I had a job interview for a hostess position at a restaurant positively reeking of exclusivity. I knew from the moment I walked into the company's floor that I was not going to get the job. Owing to the fact that my funds are depleted until Sunday (I have food in the cupboards still, thankfully), I walked forty blocks to the interview. By the time I got there, I was grumpy, my nose was crimson (being in frigid NY has made it apparent that my nose has an almost obscene tendency toward redness when exposed to very low temps) and I had to surreptitiously switch out my Uggs for my three inch pumps before I walked into the lobby area. Moreover, I did not have a hard copy of my resume (which I knew would be a huge, rookie mistake) and of course she ended up asking for a copy.

Thus, it's the first day in New York when I do not have any prospects. No interviews, nothing. I hung out in Brooklyn last night with Kevin which was fun. I feel as if I am always relying on something to look forward to or hope for in order to evade the grasps of melancholy and self doubt from the events of the past few months. In the absence of an opportunity, I begin to doubt everything: the move to New York, my past actions, my abilities, my financial situation, absolutely everything. I tried to combat such feelings by applying for a lot of jobs today (both full-time and part-time) so hopefully something will stick. If I don't have a call or e-mail tomorrow about an interview I don't know what I'll do. The foreignness of the city's atmosphere is starting to compound with my other apprehensions. I feel very lonely and uncertain. I am scared and sad. It's truly disheartening and I am trying to convince myself that these feelings are only temporary. More to the point, they are natural. I am alone and I will have to learn to adjust to that idea because it may be for a long time.

Tonight I may hang out with Michalea since I just got a voicemail from her. It's nice just to hear her voice! I also got a card in the mail today from Ann (as decorated by precious, little Caroline!) which was really nice to receive. I like to think that such little moments of my days may be small but can help me push through.